I don’t feel like myself
Lately i’ve been feeling so empty. I get so easily depressed and down and I don’t know why.
There’s just this void.
I feel like I keep losing myself, then destroying myself, then so desperately trying to find myself again.
Such a vicious cycle.
Worst of all, I keep feeling like something’s missing, when nothing’s supposed to be missing because Jesus gave it all for me. The Lord should be enough. I know He is. But I have this feeling that I don’t still know Him well enough to fully rely on Him.
I am so tied up to the world. I am so dependent to the world. I’m not supposed to be.
Or maybe that’s still not it.
Something’s wrong. And I don’t know what. And I don’t know how to fix it.
I keep thinking I should let go, and that when I do, things will be better because He’ll take care of it.
But i’ve been so used to having only myself in my life. Doing things for myself, on my own. Not having to need anyone. Having matters put in my own hands.
That’s always been me. No one needs to take care of me. I can survive on my own.
And now when I try to be dependent on Him, I can’t. Because I keep coming back to my old self. My old, lonely, can-do-it-all-on-my-own self.
I keep coming back to my alone, empty self.
I just need someone.
I ADMIT IT. I’ve been trying so hard to tell myself, “No I don’t want a love life. I don’t need it. I’m not ready for it. I can wait, I’ve been waiting for 20 years anyway. I’m patient I can handle it.”
No. I cannot.
Who am I kidding? I want a love life. I want to be pursued and romanced. I’m worth it naman, diba? Hindi naman ako panget diba? Mabait naman ako diba? Matalino naman ako diba? Marami naman akong kayang gawin diba? Marami naman akong kayang ibigay diba? Ba’t ganun, hanggang ngayon parang wala pa ring nagpaparamdam sa akin nun?
(I’m worth it, am I not? I’m not ugly, right? I’m nice, right? I’m smart, right? I can do many things, right? I have so much to give, right? But why is that until now no one’s ever made me feel that way?)
Just imagine how low I feel about myself. Well, actually you can’t. That’s how low I feel about myself.
I’m just sad and lonely.
Maybe admitting this to myself is what it means exactly to let go.
